Tell her she can't have a vagina
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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