Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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