i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
