I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
