Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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