Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
