He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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