Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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