You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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