Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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