Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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