I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
