so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He passed out mid-signature
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
