My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
