bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she looked like the before picture.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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