so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
