wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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