if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
