you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
