I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
