Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You're like the curious george of whores
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
