It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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