I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
