he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize