Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
