my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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