went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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