i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
