You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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