I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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