I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
