Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
