I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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