I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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