I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have fence marks all over my body
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
