i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
