my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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