it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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