Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
