I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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