chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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