@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Your cock deserves a montage
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
