did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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