My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
