I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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