If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
