i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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