The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize