help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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