The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize