I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
