my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
