I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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