Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
