my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love accidental penises.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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