Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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