I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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