so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
